Facebook Fkery
by gleefulmusings
Summary: Because what this fandom needs is another FB fic.  Obviously.  So welcome to mine, wherein everyone wants Kurt, but who will get him?  Crack.  Unapologetic crack.
1. Who's That Boy?

**Author's Note**: I am unashamedly hopping on the Glee Facebook bandwagon. This story is complete crack, makes no sense, has no real plan, and I'm just making stuff up as I go along. You can assume canonical events through Season Two, but some I'll alter or choose to ignore. I'm pulling surnames out of my ass, and fanon!Wes and fanon!David give me tingles, so say hi to them. Also, since this story is by me, just know that everyone wants Kurt. Because everyone does. And you know it. Don't even front!**  


* * *

Kurt Hummel** Blood races to your private spots, lets me know there's a fire. You can't fight passion when passion is hot. Temperatures rise inside my sugar walls…

**Mercedes Jones** O_O WHAT? Boy, you best be answering your phone in a hot minute, or I'ma pull your small intestine out your nostril and use it to skip rope.

(**34 people **like this)

**Rachel Berry** Kurt, this is very suggestive. I never knew you could be so provocative! I find myself strangely titillated.

**Santana Lopez** No surprise there, Berry. I'd imagine you have titillate yourself in strange ways frequently. We all know Finn's not getting the job done.

(**61 people** like this)

**Finn Hudson** I don't understand what this means.

**Santana Lopez** One word, bitch: mailman.

**Artie Abrams** I don't think I want to know.

**Quinn Fabray** You really don't.

**Tina Cohen-Chang** *blinkblink* Aw, hell to the naw! My eyes! MY EYES!

(**102 people** like this)

**Finn Hudson** I'm moving.

(**Puckasauras Puckerman** and **Jacob ben Israel** like this)

**Blaine Rothschild** Santana, it might interest you to know that Kurt doesn't even know what a mailman is. ;)

(**147 people** like this)

**Santana Lopez** Oh, I know. I love a man with a slow hand. A slow, baby-soft hand that knows how to crook its fingers *just* right.

(**Quinn Fabray, Brittany Pierce, Mercedes Jones **and 3 other people like this)

**Blaine Rothschild** LOL! Wait, what?

(**313 people** like this)

**Santana Lopez** :D

**Kurt Hummel** Oh, dear.

**Tina Cohen-Chang** The hell? Where was I during this FingerFest?

**Mike Chang** …

**Tina Cohen-Chang** STFU, Mike!

**Mike Chang** I didn't say anything!

**Matt Rutherford** Dude, silence speaks a thousand words.

(**58 people** like this)

**Rachel Berry** Matt! We miss you! Also, you talk? Er, type?

**Brittany Pierce** Matty!

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Sup, bro?

**Santana Lopez** Did Rutherford just quote a Debbie Gibson song?

**Rachel Berry** Deborah Gibson is an undersung talent!

**Mercedes Jones** I swear to anything you want to name, white girl, if you start singing "Electric Youth" during the next rehearsal, I will claw out your eyeballs and sell them to Jewfro so he can put them in little jars and carry them around so that your eyes will always be on him.

(**32 people** like this)

**Kurt Hummel** I would advise you to exercise caution, Rachel. That threat is far too detailed to be considered merely idle.

(**71 people** like this)

**Kurt Hummel** But in all honesty, I share your fondness for Miss Gibson.

(**Rachel Berry** likes this)

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Dude, I'm like, so disappointed.

**Santana Lopez** Hummel, I'm pissed off. One, your dubious fanboy ways have forced me to agree with Puck. PUCK. Two, Debbie Gibson? *sigh* I have to rethink our relationship.

**Brittany Pierce** Sanny, are you breaking up with Kurty?

**Santana Lopez** *Kanye shrug* Mebbe.

**Blaine Rothschild** Breaking up with him? You're not even with him!

**Kurt Hummel** Actually…

**Blaine Rothschild** O_O WTF?

(**281 people** like this)

**Santana Lopez** Choke on it, hobbit.

**Blaine Rothschild** I'd love to, but for some reason I can't get close enough to do that. Maybe it's because my BOYFRIEND is apparently dating YOU?

**Sam Evans** Hold up. Boyfriend? When the hell did that happen?

(**821 people** like this)

**Burt Hummel** I'd like an answer to that myself.

**Kurt Hummel** Dad, I love you more than anyone, but if you try to chase off every boy who wants my hot, lithe body, you're never going to sleep again.

(**Blaine Rothschild**, **Sam Evans**, **Puckasaurus Puckerman** and **482 others** like this)

**Burt Hummel** *goes to lie down*

(**Kurt Hummel** and **Carole Hudson-Hummel** like this)

**Artie Abrams** Why does Kurt have so many Facebook friends?

**Kurt Hummel **I'm awesome.

(**Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Sam Evans**, and **1016 others** like this)

**Blaine Rothschild** You stay out of this, Evans.

**Sam Evans** The fuck?

**Santana Lopez** OMG STAG FIGHT! PLACE YOUR BETS NOW, PEOPLE!

(**1254 people** like this)

**Will Schuester** Pardon my interjection, but why aren't more people interested in the fact that Kurt is apparently dating Santana?

**Finn Hudson** They're not really dating, Mr. Schue.

**Brittany Pierce** Right. Just like San and I were never really dating. Or like Kurty and I never dated.

**Will Schuester** WTH? Also, did Brittany just use sarcasm? Effectively?

(**612** people like this)

**Brittany Pierce** I haz skillz! :D

(**Santana Lopez**, **Kurt Hummel** and **971 others** like this)

**Rachel Berry** Mister Schuester! Did you just *swear* on Kurt's Facebook wall?

**Sue Sylvester** If that's what you consider swearing, UnFunny Girl, you're even more socially inept (and sartorially deprived) than I previously considered. Perhaps if you ceased your caterwauling for longer than it takes the follicles of William's hair to suck up the contents of Ewing Oil, you might learn something other than how to dress like a constipated Quaker schoolmarm suffering from both frigidity and nymphomania.

**Mercedes Jones** And that's how Sue (and everyone with an intact brainstem) sees it.

**Sue Sylvester** Outstanding. Aretha, there might be hope for you yet.

**Finn Hudson** Kurt, why are you friends with Miss Sylvester?

**Kurt Hummel** Because, my dear brother, she's delightfully evil, and so am I. In real life, Evil always wins. I'm a winner, and you're fat.

(**Sue Sylvester**, **Santana Lopez**, **Quinn Fabray** and **761 others** like this)

**Sue Sylvester** Lady Face, I've never been prouder of someone without my genetic sequence.

**Finn Hudson** I am not fat! Kurt, you know how I feel about that. :(

**Kurt Hummel** *sigh* I'm sorry. Come here and I'll rub your head.

**Finn Hudson** :D

**Blaine Rothschild** Kurt, you better be referencing the one atop his neck.

(**Rachel Berry** likes this)

**Carole Hudson-Hummel** This is all very confusing. Finn, honey, what is this about the mailman?

**Kurt Hummel** That is definitely a topic for a private message, my darling stepmother.

(**Santana Lopez, Quinn Fabray, **and **Rachel Berry** like this.)

**Finn Hudson** *bursts into flame*

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Little Dude tried to tell you were a flamer, bro.

**Finn Hudson** Fuck off, Puck. And you might as well give up now, because you have no chance with Kurt.

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Wanna bet?

**Finn Hudson** Dude's my stepbro and I've gotten further with him than you ever will.

**Kurt Hummel** O_o Finn, how many times do I have to explain that just because you caught me when I fell out of the shower, it does not constitute second base?

**Finn Hudson** We were both naked, dude. ;)

**Kurt Hummel** OMG, we share a BATHROOM, doofus!

**Finn Hudson** Totally counts.

**Kurt Hummel** You do realize that now our parents will believe that we're having incestuous relations? WTG. *headdesk*

**Finn Hudson** *snicker* You said 'relations.'

**Kurt Hummel** **Rachel Berry**, come get yo boy before **Mercedes Jones** and **Santana Lopez **destroy him.

(**Santana Lopez**, **Mercedes Jones**, and **Sue Sylvester** like this)

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** He wants me, Hudson. Face it; everyone else has.

**Kurt Hummel** Actually, I already have a boyfriend…

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** … Dude. :(

**Sam Evans** He totally means me. :D

**Blaine Rothschild** You wish, Captain Clorox.

**Kurt Hummel** I don't mean either one of you. Now shut up.

**Sam Evans** Kurt, what are you saying?

**Blaine Rothschild** Dislike. :(

**Wes Nguyen Kurt Hummel** is even more interesting than I imagined.

**David Anderson** *nods* Kurt, why don't you come up to our room and tell us all about it? I have some etchings I'd like to show you…

**Blaine Rothschild** What the actual fuck?

**Kurt Hummel** **David Anderson**, unless those etchings are of Ryan Reynolds in a pair of spurs and nothing else, I'll pass. Besides, we all know the only book you want to show me has your trig homework in it, and I already said no.

(**Blaine Rothschild**, **Rachel Berry**, and **Emma Pillsbury** like this)

**Wes Nguyen** :(

**David Anderson** :(

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Little Dude, you're, uh, FB friends with Miss P?

**Kurt Hummel** Of course, Noah. I'm no longer a student at McKinley, and as I trust Miss Pillsbury and value her friendship, I see no reason not to extend that trust to Facebook. Not to mention she's one of the few people in Lima who not only has good taste, but exercises it with abandon. Have you *seen* her husband? *fans self*

(**Emma Pillsbury** likes this)

**Emma Pillsbury** :D

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Well, shit. Get it, Miss P!

**Will Schuester** D:

**Kurt Hummel** Noah, inappropriate. Do I need to spank you?

**Puckasaurus Puckerman** Hell yes.

(**Puckasaurus Puckerman**, **Santana Lopez**, **Sam Evans** and 78 other people like this)

**Tina Cohen-Chang** Wait! Kurt, who the hell is your boyfriend?

(**2459** people like this)

**Matt Rutherford** Um, hi. *waves*


	2. You Must Love Me

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never was. This is merely an homage.

**Author's Notes**: Again, this is nothing but crack. It does not constitute a real story in that it has no purpose, no plot, and not much of anything else. It's crazy for the sake of it and is all meant in good fun. As a reminder, everyone wants Kurt. BECAUSE THEY DO. Also, I know Blaine's canonical last name is different from the one I'm using, so please don't bother telling me about it. As it is, I can barely tolerate the character (though Darren Criss is awesomesauce). So I'm keeping the original surname I gave him. In sum: crack, crack, Cracky McCrackerson. Thank you, and god bless.

* * *

**Mike Chang** still can't believe his BEST FRIEND is dating a dude and didn't tell him.

(**Finn Hudson**, **Puckzilla Puckerman**, and **4 others** like this.)

**Matt Rutherford** Hmm, interesting. Well, perhaps if you hadn't dominated all forms of our communication by discussing your girlfriend's awesome tits, I would have.

**Kurt Hummel** What did you call me, Chang?

**Finn Hudson** Why does Matt talk on the internet like Kurt talks IRL? Brr. Scary. Well, Kurt would never say 'tits'. Tits is a funny word. Rachel gets mad when I say it, though.

**Santana Lopez** Probably because she has none.

(**23 people** like this.)

**Rachel Berry** At least I didn't have to buy a set. :D

**Mercedes Jones** *raises eyebrow* That was actually…not bad. Well, for Rachel.

**Santana Lopez** Hey, Berry: You didn't buy them because 1) you can't afford them and 2) you're still waiting for puberty to set in and give you enough tissue to hold an implant. I banged Hudson before my upgrade. The only banging you've done is your head on a desk because you can't hold on to ANY man.

(**Sue Sylvester **likes this.)

**Sam Evans** Yeah, and that's pretty much a checkmate, Rachel.

(**Santana Lopez** and **Mercedes Jones** like this.)

**Blaine Rothschild** Evans, kissing up to La Lopez won't help you with Kurt. He's moved on.

**Sam Evans** And not with you.

**Puckzilla Puckerman** Burn.

**Kurt Hummel **Samuel, Blaine, this discussion is imprudent and not appropriate to this thread. I am quite happy with Mr. Rutherford. Please let this alone.

**Puckzilla Puckerman** What about me, Princess?

**Kurt Hummel** Noah, there was never anything between us but seething contempt and there will never be anything more than friendly banter. I am not interested in you. Even if I were, I would never pursue anything as my loyalty to Quinn far supersedes any theoretical attraction that I, in only my worst nightmares, might possess for you.

(**Quinn Fabray** likes this.)

**Quinn Fabray** ILU, bb!

**Kurt Hummel** *kisses*

**Puckzilla Puckerman** So…threesome?

**Quinn Fabray** This is why we can't have nice things!

**Puckzilla Puckerman** This isn't over. Last year's model is not going to keep the Little Dude from me. I'm a stud.

**Kurt Hummel** And we are singularly unimpressed.

**Finn Hudson** Go Kurt! Don't fall for his devious ways.

**Kurt Hummel** I suspect some comic book character expressed a similar sentiment?

**Finn Hudson** *toes ground* Mebbe.

**Kurt Hummel** You're adorable.

**Finn Hudson** *beams* Well, I have to keep you safe, right? You're my little bro, and I want to be the bestest big bro of all time!

**Santana Lopez** I'm going to vomit. Why don't you two just kiss and get it over with?

**(314 people** like this.)

**Finn Hudson** Okay!

**Kurt Hummel** Not okay. Finn, we've discussed this. Some forms of affection are not appropriate for siblings. Santana, please stop encouraging him. Yesterday he tried to cast a tracking charm on my bookbag with a twig, all on the off-chance I might sneak away to see a boy.

**Santana Lopez** …

**Burt Hummel** Good job, son.

**Finn Hudson** Thanks!

**Burt Hummel** That said, quit trying to get into my boy's pants.

**Finn Hudson** Don't worry, Burt. They're so tight, I can't get my hand inside them.

**Burt Hummel** …Is this real life?

**Kurt Hummel** Unfortunately. This is all completely unacceptable and this behavior will desist immediately or there will be dire consequences.

**Brittany Pierce** Is Kurt the Supernanny? He talks like her.

**Kurt Hummel** Britters, shh. Don't make me put you on the Naughty Stool.

**Brittany Pierce** But I like it there! It has rainbows. And remember that one time with Sanny?

**Kurt Hummel** Brit, if you stop talking about our adventures on the Naughty Stool, Santana and I will take you to the Sanrio outlet tomorrow.

(**Brittany Pierce** and **Santana Lopez** like this.)

**Brittany Pierce** Win! I love Hello Kitty. She's the best friend I've ever had who has whiskers. Well, except for Coach Sylvester. Oh! And Mariah Carey.

**William Schuester** Wait a moment. Brittany not only just blackmailed her ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend into taking her to her favorite store but also insulted Coach Sylvester in one fell swoop? Where have I been?

**Sue Sylvester** Most likely, William, you have been too busy riding that carousel of harlots you jokingly refer to as love interests to pay attention to exceptional students. Of course, if you can't catch on to phantom pregnancies, it's no wonder you're unable to judge with any accuracy the brilliance of my Unholy Trinity. Brittany, Santana, and Alabaster will bring this school to its knees. Which is where it should be, of course. For many obvious reasons. And for future reference, Schuester, Brittany was not insulting me but referring to my high testosterone level, which has allowed me to defeat opponents with ease and rule all I survey with an iron fist. Had you any testosterone of your own, you would know this.

(**Brittany Pierce**,** Santana Lopez**, and **Kurt Hummel** like this.)

**Emma Pillsbury** You know, now that I'm married and not involved in this situation, I must admit that Sue's attacks on Will are rather clever and somewhat deserved.

**Sue Sylvester** Eudora, I am pleased to read that your time spent in William's dubious company did not impair your brain function to the point where you are unable to differentiate between reality and the Amazing Technicolor world William insists he inhabits.

**Artie Abrams** Alabaster?

**Sam Evans** Kurt, of course. His skin is FLAWLESS. And it's so soft…

**Matt Rutherford** And it tastes even better than that. STFU and know your role, Evans. *goes back to yelling at Mike*

**Kurt Hummel** Mmm, you big strong man.

**Matt Rutheford** ;D

**Rachel Berry** Brittany, you know Mariah Carey?

**Brittany Pierce** Sure! Don't you?

**Rachel Berry** …

**Brittany Pierce** Oh. Huh. *shrug*

**Blaine Rothschild** **Finn Hudson**, what was the charm you tried to use?

**Kurt Hummel** That is completely irrelevant. I will not have you ensnaring my brother in your strange adoration of Rowling's fertile imagination.

**Blaine Rothschild** *pouts*

**David Anderson** You pout adorably, Blaine.

**Wes Nguyen** Indeed.

**Kurt Hummel** And a new Golden Trio is born. *rolls eyes*

**Finn Hudson** Kurt, we can still cuddle on the couch during scary movies, right? And still be brothers? That's not bad?

**Kurt Hummel** No, that is perfectly acceptable. However, that does not mean that you can continue to pull me onto your lap and tuck my head under your chin whenever you wish.

**Finn Hudson** But you fit so well there! D:

**Brittany Pierce** Awww! SQUEE!

(**331 people** like this.)

**Carole Hudson-Hummel** I have pictures!

(**1286 people** like this.)

**Kurt Hummel** Carole, perhaps you should not abet your son's manhandling of me?

**Carole Hudson-Hummel** Tsk. Now Kurt, if you and Finn were to begin dating, I would not be opposed to it.

(**Finn Hudson** likes this.)

**Burt Hummel** I would.

(**Kurt Hummel** and **Rachel Berry **like this.)

**Sam Evans** Anyone else notice this thread has been completely hijacked? Mike has totally disappeared. And where'd Rutherford go?

**Kurt Hummel **They're Skyping.

**Santana Lopez** Wanky. ;)

**Kurt Hummel** Alas, only in our dreams, darling. Only in our dreams. *sigh*

**Santana Lopez** I would normally applaud your deviant fantasies, but you've once again managed to insert DEBBIE GIBSON into a FB thread. GODDAMNIT, HUMMEL!

**Kurt Hummel** You know you want me.

**Santana Lopez** Never said otherwise. ;)

**Mercedes Jones** I just texted Tina and told her to catch up on this shit. Mike, prepare to be busted.

**Mike Chang** Huhwha?

**Tina Cohen-Chang** Mike said WHAT about my chest, now?

**Mercedes Jones** Voila.

**Puckzilla Puckerman** You gotta admit, they are pretty awesome. For an Asian girl.

**Kurt Hummel** THE FUCK?

**Mercedes Jones** Simmer down, baby. Tee's got this one.

**Artie Abrams** Ruh roh.

**Kurt Hummel** *smirks*

**Tina Cohen-Chang** I'M SORRY, PUCK? Was that a backhanded compliment from the school's most misogynistic and racist homophobic dickwad? I'm so honored! All I can say is that I've seen the pics on Santana's phone, Puckerman, and you have a lot of nerve addressing your genitalia as in any way approaching the length and/or girth of a prehistoric monster. I bet you and Karofsky are the only guys at McKinley suffering from PENIS ENVY.

(**2304 people** like this.)

**Santana Lopez** …Holy shit. OMG, IDEK! *takes screenshot* This might be the BEST DAY EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! *Oprah voice*

**Brittany Pierce** It's always the quiet ones. Artie taught me that! Oh, and this thing with my finger…

**Artie Abrams** That's enough story time, Brit.

**Brittany Pierce** 'Kay!

**Sam Evans** And thus did Tina win Life, many internets, and everything else imaginable.

**Finn Hudson** God bless us. Every one!

**Rachel Berry** Wow. What did people do before Facebook?

**Kurt Hummel** They made dolls out of corncobs and stared at fire.


	3. You Belong With Me

**Author's Note**: Welcome back to another round of stupid insanity. Remember that Blaine, in this story, has a different surname from his canonical one, given that I started this prior to the canon reveal and I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Same holds true for Wes and David. Also, Blaine doesn't fare well in this chapter, so if you feel that will bother you, you should probably consider bailing now. No judgment. I just...really don't like that character. Darren Criss is love, but Blaine...not so much. And you know what that means: HEVANS! Well, at least some hints of it.

Also, Santana's a huge bitch here, just because she is and because Kurtana is totally canon, even if we don't know it yet. KURTANA IS EPIC AND WON'T BE DENIED. /soapbox

There's been difficulty for some readers with regard to this story's format. Apologies for that. Each chapter will usually begin with a status message from Kurt. Every subsequent post is a comment to that initial post. I hope that clears up any confusion. As always, I look forward to your comments. Klaine peeps, don't hate me too hard, kk? I totally respect your position. It's just that MY position is that Kurt and Sam need to be boning 24/7, sharing hot kisses with their _enormous _lips. Thank you, and god bless. xx

* * *

**Kurt Hummel** is **single**.

**Matt Rutherford** I can't believe they bought that so easily, K. *is smug* It's so hard being this awesome.

**Kurt Hummel** ^5 … but does that mean we can't Skype later?

**Santana Lopez** Wankyyyyyyyyyyyyy

**Matt Rutherford** Well… ;)

**Kurt Hummel** LOL! We really do miss you, Matt. Even though I'm at Dalton and Sam is wonderful, we miss you. Not just the singing and the dancing, but YOU. Try and get on Facebook more often, okay?

(**Matt Rutherford**, **Mike Chang**, **Brittany Pierce**, **Rachel Berry** and **12 others** like this.)

**Artie Abrams** That was pretty good, guys; you totally duped us. Still, it does beg the question of just how close you two are, considering how quickly you worked this all out. I don't think I ever saw the two of you even speak to each other.

(**Rachel Berry**, **Tina Cohen-Chang**, and **Puck Puckerman** like this.)

**Kurt Hummel** They're called telephones, Arthur. Perhaps you're familiar with the concept? They allow two people in two different locations to speak to each other even across vast distances. There's also this nifty thing called e-mail…

**Artie Abrams** Don't call me Arthur.

**Kurt Hummel** Then should I call you He Bangs, He Bangs?

(**Brittany Pierce** likes this.)

**Artie Abrams** BRITTANY!

**Brittany Pierce** What?

**Brittany Pierce** Oh, yeah! Sorry. D:

(**Santana Lopez **and **Kurt Hummel **like this.)

**Blaine Rothschild** Kurt, that prank was cruel. I thought better of you. I'm very disappointed.

**Kurt Hummel** …wow.

**Puck Puckerman** Get a fucking sense of humor, dude.

(**Tina Cohen-Chang**, **Finn Hudson**, **David Anderson**, and **Sue Sylvester** like this.)

**Santana Lopez** Hey BLAND! Just STFU, you condescending Hot Pocket. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, there might be room for Hummel in it. You wonder why he won't date you? Try speaking to him like he's an adult, not some errant child whose behavior you feel needs to be corrected. Stop scolding him when he fails to live up to YOUR expectations. You treat him worse than Schuester treats anyone who's not Berry or Hudson.

(**Quinn Fabray**, **Puck Puckerman**, **Mike Chang**, and **Tina Cohen-Chang** like this.)

**Mercedes Jones** Damn. Like...damn. I mean...DAMN.

**Blaine Rothschild** You don't know anything about my relationship with Kurt, Lopez.

**Santana Lopez** Wrong. I know everything about it. EVERYTHING. Including the fact that if you hadn't given Kurt the WORST ADVICE EVER, he might still be at McKinley with me where he belongs.

**Puck Puckerman** Whoa. What the actual fuck? I KNEW there was more to this story!

**Sam Evans** What does that mean, San?

**Artie Abrams** What's going on? What advice?

**Kurt Hummel** Santana.

**Santana Lopez** Fine. Whatever.

**Mercedes Jones** Not fine. I want to know what the hell is going is on and why Satan knows about it when I don't.

**Kurt Hummel** I will call you later, Mercedes. This is not something I want to get into here. In fact, we should probably do it in person. Somewhere public. Where I can take your car keys from you so you won't hurt others.

**Mercedes Jones** Who did what to you, where, and why? K, this shit is NOT COOL.

**Kurt Hummel** Mercedes. Please.

**Mercedes Jones** What did they do to you, baby?

**Mercedes Jones** You know what? Fuck this. I'm on my way, Kurt. Meet me at that rank Chuck E. Cheese three blocks down from your prissy school, dig?

(**Santana Lopez** likes this.)

**Kurt Hummel** Text me when you're close. I love you.

**Mercedes Jones** Love you too, boo. ALWAYS. *kisses*

**Blaine Rothschild** Kurt, may I stop by your room please?

**Kurt Hummel** *sigh* Of course.

**William Schuester** Pardon me for me intruding on what seems to be a very private matter, but what do you mean, Santana? How is it you feel I treat you?

**Santana Lopez** Why don't you take a moment and think about it, Schue? Try climbing down off your high horse for once. Think about why Hummel and Jones joined the squad. Think about how many solos the rest of us DON'T get. Think about how you let Berry run every damn rehearsal like we're just her session players. Puck and I got, like, three lines at Regionals last year. Hummel got NONE. Mercedes was trotted out to wail on the last note LIKE SHE ALWAYS IS, even though she's made it clear that it pisses her off. AND IT SHOULD. Can you hear me NOW?

(**Sue Sylvester**, **Mercedes Jones**, **Tina Cohen-Chang** and **10 others** like this.)

**Rachel Berry** This is highly inappropriate.

**Quinn Fabray** Bull. This is Kurt's wall and you don't own Facebook. Santana's right, Berry, and you know it. And don't even get me started on those duets. You really think I didn't figure out that you engineered it so that Sam and I would win just because Finn was so afraid Sam would quit? Based on performance alone, Kurt ABSOLUTELY should have won. He was nothing less than phenomenal. You KNOW that, Rachel.

(**Santana Lopez** and **Sam Evans** likes this.)

**Santana Lopez** Breadstix aside, THIS. ^^

**Kurt Hummel** Thank you, Quinn.

**Quinn Fabray** It's true, bb. Sam and I voted for you. You and he should have performed together. It would have been amazing. If Finn hadn't intimidated you into dropping Sam as your partner, I bet the two of you would have won on your own merit.

**Will Schuester** Wait, what?

**Sam Evans** Hold up. WTF? What does Hudson have to do with that? What did he say to you, Kurt?

**Kurt Hummel** Sam, it's a moot point. It doesn't matter anymore. If you all will excuse me, I have to speak with Blaine. Santana, I will call you later.

**Santana Lopez** I'd apologize, but we both know I wouldn't mean it. I don't like him. He's not right for you and I love you too much not to speak up, because if I didn't, I'd regret it. I'm Santana Lopez. I don't do regrets; I make people regret things.

(**Sue Sylvester** likes this.)

**Kurt Hummel** I'm not angry with you. I love you too.

**Will Schuester** Emergency meeting tomorrow at 4 PM. Attendance is required for all members of New Directions.

**Santana Lopez** I'm so excited. Can you hear me yawning?

**Sam Evans** Kurt, I really wanted to sing with you.

**Sam Evans** Kurt?

**Sam Evans** KRut?

**Kurt Hummel** I wanted to sing with you too, Sam.


End file.
